Fallen angel

saw this in yun's blog again and i find it very meaningful: "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings stop remembering how to fly". I'm a angel that was clipped off my wings... and keep falling into the darkness... a fallen angel... is not i do not remember how to fly... is i have no wings to fly anymore... a pair of wings that was clipped off and can't grow back...

你好不好

你什么都没说 只是牵着我的手
那一秒钟 也胜过一句爱我
你手中的温柔 还在我心里逗留
爱情却已变成停格的镜头 感觉少了些什么

你好不好 当你开口对我这么说
我就懂了你做的选择 爱若让你变得不快乐
我宁愿还给你自由 也许我应该保持沉默
留给彼此一个再见的理由
但在你转身后 眼泪却不停流
我并不是懦弱 害怕面对独自生活
只是你的影子总跟着我走 让我的心不自由
我想我已学会了 和寂寞做朋友
只是我想起你 居然有一道伤口 隐隐作痛

Letting myself go... I found peace

I have make up my mind to let myself really let go of this relationship... I find peace when I do that.... althought it still hurts when I thought back but I know as time go by it will be forgotten and be remember as part of my growing up life. I felt that I can't simply dwell in the space and ignore that the time is moving ahead of me, people are around me, there is still many things I yet to see and explore.... And, I simply can't keep on making people around upset over me, especially my mum. Is just part and parcel of life, you have to learn to stand up when you fall down.

I decided to channel my love as I use to channel my past relationship to friendship. Since we cant be together as couple, at least caring you as a friend is just good enough for me. I can still know you are well, happy or sad through the messages in the hp. If time permit, we can still go out for a dinner or a show, etc, just like friends will always do. I do not know, I will feel weird or not but time will erase all the oddness and be as best friends we just to be before we are together.

It wasn't a mistake when we get together... and you shouldn't blame yourself either for destorying this relationship. I know very well why I have accepted you and you know it too. Probably that is what people always say: we are maybe meant for each other, just that we meet at the wrong time. If really fated, after a long run in our life and going around in circle, we will still be together in the end. So who will know what happen ahead of us, till you have walk till the end of our life... So I don't want to think about it so much, just be my old self - the worry-free, happy-go-lucky girl.

Dear friends... I really appericate the support that you all have given me all this while, although some of you all may not see this blog but deep inside my heart, I will always remind you all as my good friends. We have a long way to go as friends and maintaining a friendships is too like a relationship. I will keep this contact alive and never like last time loss you all again. So lets move on with our life together down this road of life and it will be lovely to see us old and merry gather under the parks with our grandsons and grand-daughters.

A friend's advice

"Love is a trap... it can be sweet or painful... but yet, some people choose to step on it and others avoid it... to those who avoid it... they will never know what is underneath and they will live to regret it and for those who stepped on it... it can hold u so tight, it can be sweet or filled with pain, but once u see the light, u can always just step out from it and walk on againz..."

这是你吗

你真的知道吗 真的了解你自己吗 一直这样的问
你就会开始动摇吗 你真的相信吗 得到了最想要的吗
还是为了他们的期望 都把那梦想都变小了呢
你也会这样吗 不止一次想哭吗 很努力去解释
oh越被误解吗 你真的确定吗 找到了你的最爱吗
还是不好意思 再拒绝 就说服自己接受他了呢
这是你吗 你要这样的过吗 这是你吗 你错过了自己吗
这是你吗 把你自己信仰 还换别人所谓的天堂
这是你吗 是谁给你了框框 这是你吗 让你自己走了样
你的心 毕竟是你自己的地方 你也会这样吗
有时也会害怕吗 只知道往前走 oh不知去那里
你真的确定吗 知道你在做甚么吗 还是不好意思
去承认 就骗骗自己已经很好了 这是你吗 你要这样的过吗
这是你吗 你错过了自己吗 这是你吗 把你自己信仰
还换别人所谓的天堂 这是你吗 是谁给你了框框
这是你吗 让你自己走了样 你的心 毕竟是你自己的地方
这是你吗 你要这样的过吗 这是你吗 你错过了自己吗
这是你吗 把你自己信仰 还换别人所谓的天堂
这是你吗 是谁给你了框框 这是你吗 把你自己都隐藏
忘记自己最初的模样 这是你吗 你要这样的过吗
这是你吗 你错过了自己吗 管他别人所谓的天堂
这是你吗 是谁给你了框框 这是你吗 把你自己都隐藏
忘了自己最初的模样

Is that you and me?? Is that how you and me look like last time? Is that what we want last time? No! I am not like and I detest myself now... what I have become? Am I still human or a wandering soul? Every minute and moment of my life is filled with saddness... I cry everyday... when nonone is around... hardly can concentrate at any thing... nothing makes my happy, excite me, makes me feel alive...

Why I still hold on? if not because you have said you love me forever... what is forever... is just a word, a meaningless word to bluff people in love... if you can't hold this promise why still say it at the first place?

When can I walk out of this? Its been months and the wound is still so fresh and hurts so much as the first day of departure... I want to end this... someone pls pull me out of this darkness... this silence of my life... I'm too tired of this struggle... I just want to go for a long sleep... never to wake up... just hold on awhile... after the exam... I can sleep...I can rest... forever...

我不快乐

整个世界都在变 你是不是也变了

如果一切重新来过

还会不会犯错 你有多久没有好好的看我

问问我想要什么 我要的其实不多

但最近我很不快乐 如果能习惯沉默

我或许就不难过 如果不是真的爱过

我又何必太执着 为何你从不懂我想些什么

你只是太爱闪躲 我要的其实不多

但最近我总觉得 不快乐 我很不快乐

有一种想哭的念头 却又说不出那是什么

我就是觉得 不快乐 我很不快乐

寂寞好象有填不完的缺口 你说你爱我却只是很少过问我的感受

如果能习惯沉默我或许就不难过 如果不是真的爱过

我又何必太执着 为何你从不懂我想些什么

你只是太爱闪躲 我心里有个角落

你从不曾在意过 不快乐 我很不快乐

有一种想哭的念头 却又说不出那是什么

我就是觉得 不快乐 我很不快乐

寂寞好象有填不完的缺口你说

你爱我 却只是很少过问我的感受不快乐 我很不

快乐 有一种想哭的念头

却又说不出那是什么 我就是觉得

不快乐 我很不快乐

为什么爱情会这样的寂寞

你总说爱我 可是又从不走进我的生活

整个世界都在变 我是不是也变了

无条件为你

爱你等于拥有一片天空 任何风吹草动
都有你存在其中 自然而然的轻松
一路到夏天的尾声 我所谓到过于激动
我们有笑容 我们曾心动 不再是无动于衷
无条件为你不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强相信你的眼神
不敢想不敢问 有一天坏的可能
无条件为你放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强就不怕牺牲我的灵魂 如此沸腾
为我爱的人喜欢复杂还是习惯单纯
我愿尽力完成 你在我心中几分
难以形容的责任 爱一个人付出才会完整
无条件 越爱就越深 永远不分 啊 . . .

YT...

Went out with YT today... we chat alot... but most of my time I only hear her talk about the guys around her...guys chasing her... guys she has attraction to her... most of my time I juz shutting my ears as much as possible... I felt that she is like a wandering soul searching for love... but what love is... and meant? So what she has a bf... to me and the way she talk about him.. is just another habour for her to rest her feet... am i your resting habour too?

Went to watch "sky captain and the world of tommorrow" super boring... typical film noir style juz that it is in colour...

Famous scientists around the world have mysteriously disappeared and Chronicle reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) along with ace aviator Sky Captain (Jude Law) are on the investigation. Risking their lives as they travel to exotic places around the world, can the fearless duo stop Dr. Totenkopf, the evil mastermind behind a plot to destroy the earth? Aided by Franky Cook (Angelina Jolie), commander of an all-female amphibious squadron, and technical genius Dex (Giovanni Ribisi), Polly and Sky Captain may be our planet's only hope.

Crazy..... lost myself awhile ago... find it extremely hard to focus myself when I'm all alone doing nothing at home... alot of my friend say im suffering from mild depression... Is not that I want to laff at you that day... is I cant stop myself... I'm not drunk at all, in fact that day I never drink at all... its been like that since a few time ago, I will keep on laffing when I have cry to a certain degree.... like just now... i'm laffing again... im trying so hard to pull myself together... when there is people around the focus is strong... when there is noone around it's so hard...

is not that i want to disturb u... i cant control myself... i need some1 to feedback my thought.... I may talking to u now... but u have no voice to feedback to me... all your answer here is my voices... all i can hear is my voice every day... silence is engulfing me every min. of my life... im turing more into "ye ze" ...
我一个人吃饭 旅行 (到处)走走停停
也一个人看书 弹琴 自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你

My friend ask me that I must focus myself so that I wont lost myself... I'm trying so hard... I'm scared... will i reach the stage where i will kill myself?.... I hope it wont get worst after the exam... which I fear it would... with nothing for me to look forward...life now to be is empty... do u think I shoud I seek help from a doctor?

Loniness

It can really drive you crazy when u are all alone in the this confined four-walls of your room....

There is no one to talk to you, only the life-less computer and those people over the other end of the line... That is how I have been living my life for the past 6month... this kind of lack of interaction with human beings , only occassion with friends have taken a slow down in my everyday life.... It have make me want to cry out loud... anyone out there... anyone can help me... but always there is no one when you needed someone badly.... why there is nobody???

When they need someone, I always try to be with them but when I needed someone badly they are no where near to comfort me.... why should I care about them, when they need me?? When dar dar is upset, I listen to him... when that day I need him to confort me, he just shout at me and ask me to take care of myself....

n you... you are still the hp... a lifeless hp... that can't grow arms out to hold me... juz make out of text and sound... u will msg me when u miss me... when I need you badly... u r no where insight for me...

Is that what life is about??
If I dont have a r/s, there wont be a break out... If I dont get married, there wont be a divorce... if i dont breath, there wont be pain inside my heart... If I dont care, I dont have to mind whether u all cares abt me...

我们的爱

回忆里想起模糊的小时候 云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时候的你说 要和我手牵手 一起走到时间的尽头

从此以后我都不想抬头看 仿佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起 我忘记了呼吸 眼泪啊永远不再

不再哭泣 我们的爱 过了就不再回来 直到现在
我还默默的等待 我们的爱 我明白 以变成你的负担

只是永远 我都放不开 最后的温暖 你给的温暖
不要再问你是否爱我 现在我想要自由的天空

远离开这被捆绑的世界 不再寂寞

任性

喜欢听歌　感人的歌　
它让我觉得 爱是对的 睡不著　
我就醒著 喜欢唱歌　动人的歌　
它让我获得一点心得
得不到　我就放掉
不再让日子被打乱了
寂寞很吵　我很安静　
情绪很多　我很镇定
因为投入　所以放弃　
不愿再被痛醒
固执算不算任性的要求　
付出也可能看不到结果
终於你还是选择了放手　
用逃避　让感情犯错
承诺算不算任性的要求　
人总是不能太容易感动
当爱失去自我失去包容　
只想要　从混乱解脱
喜欢唱歌　动人的歌　
它让我获得一点心得
得不到　我就放掉　
不去碰触到我的　
要 喜欢听歌　动人的歌　
它让我觉得爱是对的

My Mum!~

I thought my mum was a complete ignorant about me... n I thought I can bluff her that I have recover from my r/s break down. But in actual fact, she know I don't!~!~! She said that since i'm not talking about it, she don't want to rub salt into the wound.

Ya, I did not, or did I? Even myself not sure of it. One part of me have given up the whole damn relationship and stop dwelling in it. Never want to sms you any more which I really did. The other, I was kept reminding that you still havent give up the whole relationship, with your constant SMS and phone call.

A friend told me that it means alot for a person actually msging you after a relationship breakdown. And to msg you "good morning" and "good night", it shows that he is trying his best to keep the relationship alive and still think of u. Its true....

Mum have prevent me to go to australia...
First: its not save for a gal to round around by herself and travel alone by herself its dangerous... the world is in chaos now...

Second: She know I want to run away from reality, which partially I am. She say no point its wasting my time and the problem is still there. I will be still wondering what has went wrong... which I actually is... but some how or rather I have put a memory block to that question....

Third: Going away for a week by myself will drive her crazy. She wont stop me if I have a husband with me...

Stop reminding me about the word "husband".... it make me sick... loss fate and confidence of myself and men... what makes you think that I can handle my marriage when I cant even handle a bloody relationship... What makes you think that I can make the right choice for a partner when I have make a grave mistake of choosing you as my ideal partner for life... What make you think that I can believe what men had said and promise when you have make a disappointment in my life?

NO!~!~!!~ growing up from a dsyfunctional family and plus this relationship break down. Totally distrust men and believe men can give me any happiness and a happy family.... too many sad cases around me... it only prove to one thing... happiness is only with myself...

Never....

Never say I love you,
If you really don't care.
Never talk about feelings,
If they aren't really there.
Never hold my hand,
if you are going to break my heart.
Never say that you are going to, If you don't plan to start.
Never look into my eyes,
If all you do is lie.
Never say hello,
If you reallu mean good bye.
If you really mean forever,
Then say you will try.
Never say forver,
Cause forever makes me cry.

Eat.. Eat.. Eat

Lets run down the good food i have been shallowing for this week:
Wed - Sakea sushi
Fri - ichiban Japanese Resturant
Sat - Billy Bomer
Sun - Tao's

Getting fat liao!~!~ The more I eat the more i LS!~!~ ekkkkkkk

Today go for a day of shopping therapist!~~! Bought:
1. short black skirt
2. 3/4 jeans

Going for a total change from head to toe, next stop learn how to make-up. Prepare to see the new zu in 2005. ke ke

Daiko Drum practice 2

Went for my drum practice as usual on sunday. Manage to learn finish a song (forget the name of it) and learn all the dance steps (took us 2 lesson to complete it). It's a very simple piece of music with only 3 section to remember and the rest is repeated with action etc. Okay, I'm abit slow.. keep forgeting the beat. Although, I have manage to correct my hands but now is my standing position!~! Got lazy butt!, keep slanting at the left, making the whole posture looks ugly!~!~ (must be ugly, I think) Must be connected to the drum!~! Feel its present~!~ bond with it!~~! sound so spirtual. Wactched my senior performing the new song we going to learn next week. I can tell you she look so gracefull!~~ She is my idol sia, the way she beat the drum its so fluid like she and the drum is one. Hope I wish I can play like the way she does. Joanne told me she has been playing it for like 15years. Thats was like wah!~!~ *envy envy* Joanne also tell me that I should look at one senior and try to refine my playing method. You are my target senior!! I'm looking forward to my next practice. This time, the new piece is more exciting and alot of shouting.

The phone~!`~!

Today recieve two calls from two Thomas....

Thomas No.1
Din't expect you to call me during your lunch... actually don't expect you to call me anymore... probably you called becoz I never return your sms in the morning when you say morning to me... I don't want to return at all, coz I dont feel like to be a hp anymore... since I was not given a choice for your depart, at least I can choose not to be a hp.

Yestderday nite, I have a hard time getting myself to sleep, think heaty or what, msg you and told you a whole load of crap again, repeating myself. Thinking back... I feel so stupid for showing vulnerability infront of u again... I have told myself to quit doing this...

Today you msg me back saying: "I neber treat you like a hp". You dont feel this way but I do feel like I'm a hp. Maybe you don't notice, you been talking to me only thru' the hp. Msg me only when you feel like... juz to beep me "good morning" and "good nite". I don't need you to remind me when is day, when is nite. I know it myself, neither do I need a beeper to tell me that. When I msg you, only when u feel like msging me back - ya I know you are busy working, I'm not. Well, I have reach a stage - where you msg me, I dont feel like msging you back.

I read LW's blog, its true, love don't occupy a person's whole life... why let them rule me days and nights. Is you who create this messy to ruin the relationship, you come and fix it yourselves. If you don't, neither would I want to bother anymore. It's mine is mine. If its not, no matter what I do it still isn't mine. Just treat it, we are fated to meet each other, not fated to be together...

Thomas No.2
My little GOD bro. Meet him when I was in secondary school that will be like 10 years ago. He was my junior in my flute session, super naughty. He joined the band coz he want to learn the "guan huai fang shi" that I used to play. But in the end, he also learn nothing. Ke ke. Was surprise when he called me, never hear from him like donkey years. He grew up to be the same old blackie but much handsome and well build. Called to tell me about his relationship problem. No idea why also, of all the friends he has, he sure has people to talk to, but yet he called to "su ku".

Well, when you are an outsider you can see what's wrong with people's relationship, will feel they are childish. But when, you are inside a relationship, you hardly see the childishness in you. Ironic!~!~ Given the amount of love conselling and my past experience, I should know how to manage my own relationship well!~!~ Yet it is a failure!~!~ Feel I'm such a loser~!~

Okay back to him again! He told me he feel so insecure with his current new gf lah, say he want to break off lah, blar blar. I told him to look at the bright side, if they come out strong this time, their relationship will be much stronger. (I also see the tragic that befall our relationship as a test. If after this we still manage to get back, prehaps we are much stronger in our relationship. And more assure what we want in life. Let say, if it happen... which I dont think it will) He should also reflect on his temper, etc. Hope they are well, and me wish them well too.

A 'special' person

I lost myself to you on thursay again... asking you who am i to you?

I really dont know who am i to you? Why you keep msging me? Is it a routine to say good morning to me? good nite to me? I don't need a talking handphone... what I want is a flesh and blood person... to be with me, care for me, chat with me....

Your reply to me is someone special... if your definitation of someone special is the text that make up of me in your handphone... the talking handphone... I rather not be that someone special... I would like to be just an ordinary someone... at least they can get to see you, chat with you personally... or should I be contented... at least you bring me along with you everyday.. stay close to you... but I rather choose the latter...

Tear between of wanting to book chalet for your birthday or not... One part of me wants to spend the day with you and hope you can spend it with me... the other part feel strange to go spend a nite out with a friend or can I say a strange now... but in the end I choose to book it... I rather be upset than regret... your reply is "you will try"... Ya, I understand, I was not given a choice at all and never will.. its you who have the say... already I'm picturing you not turning up... not putting hope to it so that I won't hurt so much... if you can't I just spend it with others...

2 more days to a day I'm going to drag the most of this entire year beside Christmas... I decide to hide away... best is you don't msg me... I do not want to hear from you forever... n prehaps you too is hiding away from that day coz today you never msg me at all... do I care.. I really dont know... the less you msg... the fastest I can get away from you... already I hardly remember anything from our past... how you look like, how you smell like, how you feel like... to me you are just texts in my handphone... I start to hate handphone already... a machine that make everyone close yet distance...

A piece of the memory in the mailbox

To my dearest Love, Ling

I have been lost,

L ossing myself in the wilderness,
O ften crying in the dark.
V aguely, I saw a glimpse of light, shining so brightly.
E nchanting and warm my heart felt,

Y earning for it, I moved towards it.
O h! What I saw, I could not believe.
U nder the starry sky, there you stand.

D etermined, our hearts became one,
E nduring all hardships,
A nd through good times and bad times, we stood.
R emaining, is our love for each other...Forever.

On our 4th month anniversary, I just want to say, I LOVE YOU DEAR

Cherish.... if only you understand now...

A girl in love asked her boyfriend...
Girl (g): Tell me... who do you love most in this world?
Boy (b): You, of course!
(g): In your heart, what am I to you?
(b): The boy thought for a moment and
looked intently in her eyes and said, "You are my rib."

In the Bible, it was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his
sleep; God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve.
Every man has been searching for his missing rib,
only when you find the woman of your life; you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart.

After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a long
while. However, the youthful couple, due to busy schedule of modern life,
the never ending worries of daily problems, began to drift apart and their life became mundane...

All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw
away their dreams and love for each other... The couple began to have more
quarrels and each quarrel became more heated...

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house...
At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!"
The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together!
You were never my missing rib!"
Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while...
He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water,
you can never take it back... With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up.

Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib,
please let me go...? she continued, "It is less painful this way...
let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners..."

Five years have since gone by...
He had never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life
indirectly... She had left the country and back...
She had married a foreigner and divorced...
He felt anguished that she never waited for him...

In one dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart...
He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her...

One day, they finally met... at the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good-byes...

He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone,
with just the security door separating them... She smiled at him gently...

(b): How are you?
(g): I'm fine. How about you... Have you found your missing rib?
(b): No.
(g): I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.
(b): I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back.
You know my number... nothing has changed.

With a smile, she turned around and waved good-bye...
Good-bye... is it forever not meeting each other again?

One week later, he heard of her death... She had perished in New York... in the event that shocked the world...

Midnight... Once again, he lit his cigarette... And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart... He finally knew, she was his missing rib that he had carelessly broken...

Sometimes, ppl say things out of moments of fury.... most often than not,
the outcome(s) could be disasterous and detrimental.... We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones.... And even tho' we know that we ought to "think twice act wise",
it's often easier said than done.

Things happen day by day which are beyond our control... Especially at this moment of the century when the most undesirable event is happening at the other end of the world..... Let us treasure every moment of our lives and everyone in our lives.....

"Tomorrow never comes; give and take what you have today"